So I Go…
If you have been following my posts, you have been privy to the ramblings, and sometimes grumblings, of my heart, before God. To me, they illustrate my humility and submission and His divine revelation and intervention, but to others, perhaps parables? Please let me attempt to clarify, at least from my fairly recent, personal ministry perspective…
In the late Fall of 2009 I had just heard for the third time (having just left a Saturday Church service I had previously loved serving in with a former Pastor for a period of only 3 months), from the third, of three different ‘women of faith’, a similar message: that I should “Get behind…”, “Be silent…”, “Put your husband’s ministry first… he’s your ministry”, “You’re too much… too bright… giving a poor witness” etc… As a waterfall of tears fell from my face, I cried… “I’m done Lord. That’s it. Yank my tongue from me. I will no longer need it. I am going to be a ‘pew potato’. I can’t do this. I don’t want to do this if it is not Your will; if it is not Your heart’s desire; Your plan for my life. I wanted none of this without You. What of all the prophetic words? I am failing You. I don’t even have a job! I’m done!” It was then I heard my Father speak… “Are you so easily discouraged… led away from the cup that you must drink… what I have prepared for you?” (I had saw in worship in the past a great challis and I heard “Are you prepared to drink from the cup that I have prepared for you?” As my spirit spoke “search my heart oh Lord…” and as the words flowed through me the challis poured toward me living water and I cried “more, more, more…”)
“Oh my God, if this is Your desire, Your plan for me, You cannot leave me even for one second. They don’t see me. I don’t want them to see me, but the ‘HIM in me’. I can’t! You Can! You will have to part the waters, shut the mouths of the lions, and move the mountains on my behalf, because I have nothing without YOU!” Fill my mouth with only Your words, my mind with only Your wisdom and discernment, my heart with just Your love & divine nature, and equip me with Your armor that I may walk in Confident Faith! It was then HE said… “Go Home, I have work for you.” I knew HE meant my “home” church.
This was the second time my walk in faith and heart had desired distance from this particular house of God. The first time occurred exactly a year prior (2008), and in retrospect, my return has cost me everything, even in great matters of God. I obeyed and returned to this church full time (I never left it, I had just added to the kingdom). Since then, I have re-married, altered my name, my residence, my family, my ministry, my possessions, my hopes and dreams, my will… here. For better or for worse? I have to answer you with “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good, to those who love God, those who are called according to His purpose.” So… my hope is in Jesus, my confidence in Christ, where I fix my eyes… Thank You Abba Father… Holy Spirit… Jesus… HIS will for mine… here.
This is not the end but the beginning… Because what the enemy intended for destruction, God has turned, and continues, for good. From deception, brokenness, flesh, bitterroots and weeds, have emerged a passion, a love-affair above all others (Jesus), a walk (Jesus Boot Camp), a spirit to Spirit connection (no compromise), a new life and marching orders… Every day, it’s YOU I live for.
I have recently began a journey that once again leads me away from my “home” church. I do this because “my God” tells me to “Go! Where you are received, Stay. Where you are not, Go… ” When I ask Him how many times I am to do this? HE tells me “seventy times seventy”. The first time I truly heard these words (Luke 10, Matthew 10) they were given in reference to a message I was to deliver to a congregation of women on Valentine’s Day in February 2010 (A Love Story as told by a Mary, “but if it wasn’t for my Martha”). When I was met with adversity, and I knew I would, I was to speak them. The Lord had equipped me for the battle, having heard my prayers in the wilderness… “Oh my God, if this is Your desire, Your plan for me, You cannot leave me even for one second. They don’t see me. I don’t want them to see me, but the ‘HIM in me’. I can’t! You Can! You will have to part the waters, shut the mouths of the lions, and move the mountains on my behalf, because I have nothing without YOU!” … And HE did!
So I “go… where received, I stay. If not, I go out to the street, wipe the very dust from my feet, and go…”
…With matters of invisibility, the Lord has spoken “don’t tell them Julie, show them!” I just talk, cry out, and pour out my heart before God. Some people call that prayer. However regarded, all are invited to listen.
…With matters of staying when not received… For so long, knowing the end of the Scripture (a judgment), I’ve been a self-imposed captive. The “well-meaning Christian”, I thought, perhaps if I stayed I might post-pone the pain for loved ones, the judgment. Who do I think I am? Did I not grow, stretch, learn, love and persevere through the pain and brokenness? Did I not have Jesus… having been broken, not crushed! When I am weak, HE makes me strong! In revelation of this, I pray… “Lord teach me to love them enough to get out of Your way.”
So I Go… show them (A Love Story… by a Mary)… and if received Stay! and if not, I Go…
In Christ, always… jams4JESUS
I am reminded of a word… July 10, 2010
“I saw a weed and the Lord brought back to me, ‘A weed that flowers is still a weed’. And conversely… A flower that is placed within the weeds, misplaced, wanted or unwanted, is re-named by association… the weed. “And have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather expose them.” (Ephesians 5:11)
Do not take root where the soil is not grounded in Truth!