“Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take. God Bless Mommy and Daddy, my sisters, my grandmas and grandpas, aunts, uncles, and and… AND, Dear God, PLEASE… make Mommy stop drinking. I promise I’ll be Good, Better, Perfect. THANK YOU! I LOVE YOU! AMEN!”
“God are You there? If You are, I can understand why You would ‘be there’ for the others, but not for me. Why would You? Why would You come here and do what You did; to die like that… for me?” I have gone too far; said too much; and been in all the wrong places. I’m sure I have passed the point of ‘no return’. My life appears more suited for a life among swine then a daughter of a King.
I’ve believed and often said… I know Jesus, and why He came. “God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son; that whosoever believes in Him, will not perish but have everlasting life.” I know He came, lived perfectly, and died on a Cross for our sins [yep, even mine], and that He now lives with “our Father, who art in Heaven”. And, we can too if we believe in Jesus, turn our backs on our former life of sin (true repentance).
I’d even memorized John 3:16 as a child and had my name engraved in a leather KJV Holy Bible to prove it. (Do I dare say my name is written in the Lambs Book of Life? ♥ ) And as that child, I would so pray…
“Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take. Dear God, please… I promise I’ll be Good, Better, Perfect. Thank You! I Love You! AMEN!” [This, my prayer, night after night, year after year.]
Well, mommy didn’t stop drinking… and I was NEVER good, better, or perfect… as much as I tried. This life story went on for a long long time and I thought it was never ending. The only hope that I had, was in knowing I was a child and would someday ‘get out’. [I only came by this information because others told me. When you are in Hell it is hard to see through the smoke.]
So where was my old Friend… “oh my God”? Was He too busy for me? Was my prayer too big or too small for Him? Couldn’t He hear me? Was He there or did He even care? So… what changed? Sadly, the answer was “Me!”
“Oh my God, if You are not going to listen to me, then I am not going to listen to You”… and I ran.
For years I not only rode the sin wagon, I drove [drive] it. I cannot speak in past tense because I often, still, pick up the reigns in my weakness. But all the while, even when on my prodigal path, I could remember from where I came and Who was with me; just Who it was that could save me from myself. It was God that had saved me from almost certain death as a child and I was sure, if He wanted to, He could do it again.
Sometimes I wonder- did I get so caught up in the blessing (arriving to the other side of Hell), and thinking that it (hell) couldn’t reach me again (but sadly, it did and has), that I’ve neglected the One who saved and blessed me in the first place. 😥
I seemingly couldn’t see or hear Him then, but now I know He was there… all along. I had enough of Sunday School teaching, even though I wanted to gnaw off my limbs to get out of the place when I was there, to know I could not take my own life [as much as I wanted to end it]. I also knew that I had to get RIGHT with Him before He came back… whether just for me or for all who had memorized John 3:16 in their heart. Being young, I figured I had all the time in the world; to be of the world. I was never certain what being RIGHT looked like but I figured someone would tell me before it was too late.
SOMEONE did! His name was JESUS! Yes, there were many who would speak Jesus to me, but I had to see & hear Him for myself. Remember, HE and I use to be close; we talked, so I needed it to be Him… and I still do.
When I first crawled back into church, after decades of running [and driving], I thought I was a “Christian”. I thought and said “I believe in Jesus”. I was reading His Book and I knew… ‘For God so loved the world that He gave His only son that whoever believes in Him will not perish but have everlasting life.’ I know He came and died on a Cross for my sins and that He has risen and sits at the right hand of The Father.” But, I also believed that because of all this… “I had slapped down my room deposit in Heaven.”
I have lived with Him enough to know now… how wrong I was. Let me say again… how wrong I was. Knowing now, that I could never live with ‘just getting by’ with Jesus. To think that He would know me when I show up at His door, when I had not taken the time to invite Him into mine and be with Him right here… is bold to say ‘the least’.
“Prove by the way you live that you have repented of your sins and turned to God. Don’t just say, ‘We’re safe– we’re the descendants of Abraham.’ That proves nothing. God can change these stones here into children of Abraham. Even now the ax of God’s judgment is poised, ready to sever your roots. Yes, every tree that does not produce good fruit will be chopped down and thrown into the fire.” (Luke 3)
I am not to say ‘I have a room deposit slapped down in Heaven’ because I know who and why Jesus was.. but Who He IS. NOW, If we are to be the children of the PROMISE; children of Abraham; children of the Living God… our heart’s desire is to not make assumptions… but communion. To serve and dine at His table, now…
If I live, eat, and breathe Jesus, How will I not have my bags packed and my room reservations made… for paradise? When He comes for me, whenever that is, I do not want to be sleeping or think I am in charge of waking Him… I recall Scripture of when the disciples awoke Jesus for fear their boat would sink, but I pray that I have confidence in Him, that I will know He will be there… before I sink. Is there any place or time that He does not know of my whereabouts, my reservations? No! But there are times, many, when I have no control over mine…
“Now I lay me down to sleep…” How anyone can come face to pillow with the supernatural and not know God is there, baffles me. Every night, at some time, I lay my head down… and go to a state, a place, that I have no control over. With all the technology we have, there has been no one who could control or tap into the inner mind of sleep. Unless of course, there is God. It is He alone, who interprets. So I make it my daily mission now to fill my waking hours with Jesus, that my dreams are alert to Him no matter where, and if I should die before I wake… I’ll wake up in the land of glory. With the saints I will tell my story!
“Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take. God Bless EVERYBODY! And please dear God, let it be known… It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. Born again… “Perfect”
Thank You! I Love You! AMEN!”