I don’t want to do what I do because you say “that is right”, in confirming this word or that word. I don’t want to get hung up there. I absolutely love Jesus and I want to do what I do to the glory of God, because the Bible tells me so… and that makes it right.
“And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.” [Romans 8:28]
I have often thought what, why, and for what purpose, would God want to call me. I botch up my witness of Him to you so often, I can visualize myself ripping my tongue out. “Cut it off!” “Cut it out!” … stand out as my common prayers. “Better is one day in Your courts Lord, than a thousand elsewhere.”
My heart so wants to get it right for Jesus the first time and always. But when I look at you… my children, my family, my friends, and those known and unknown to me who the Lord says “go”, I feel so dismayed in my heart and spirit in how I’ve let you down; failed you! But please hear me out when I say…
Please, please, please… don’t blame God for my crimes against you; my blind eyes toward you. It was not Jesus who said a bad word, did the wrong thing, gave too much or not enough; who left you alone, got carried away with anger, got there late, or robbed you and left you for dead. It was not Jesus who ripped your heart out, and replaced it with a stone. It is me you’re looking for. I am so sorry for your loss!
I cry often… “Oh my God don’t let anything in or out of me, that You do not approve.” Please Lord, don’t let your name be used in vain, on account of me. So where I once felt overwhelming shame, this Jesus, whose name of which I often speak, has removed even my ‘claim to shame’.
“And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” [Romans 8:28]
He saw my heart [Romans 8:27] and He knew how to work it for good. It was never about me. It was always about Him! Where I once saw myself drowning and mourning for my loss, and yours, I now can look down to where I’ve been, and all I’ve done, and know that He with me, have risen… above it all!
And so for today… I can live with myself, knowing that my circumstances, my crimes, my curse words, and my short-falls do not define me, but rather can teach me in the right way to go… God first and always. And in Him… all things work together for good!
“For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you [& me], will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.” [Philippians 1:6]
Until then, I am so sorry for your loss.